(Part 2) I became an addict – What it was like to love a narcissist

2 years ago, I fell in love. Falling is the perfect term to describe my situation because I fell in my worst nightmare, I fell into what I thought was love but what actually happened to be the beginning of my mental destruction. I thought it was love, until I realised it was actually an addiction. An addiction to the person I thought I loved, an addiction that he created, an addiction to a trap that I fell into day after day, making me feel as if I would never manage to get out. So here is my story.

Part 1 available here

copyrights: "Self portrait traumascars, Emotional abuse, Mental, sexual, Physical, verbal Domestic Violence Spousal marital rape Trauma PTSD, Self Portrait, Runjanefox, #janefox this is me. #domesticviolence #stopdv #spousalrape #dv #hearmystory" by Run Jane Fox is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0. To view a copy of this license, visit https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/?ref=openverse.

Step 3 – Blaming me for my reactions to his disrespect

All of this has led me to become the worst version of myself. I became this girl who had no confidence left, who was with a guy who would leave her every two weeks, who would criticise her constantly and make her feel like she deserved nothing. He didn’t make any effort; he didn’t show any love for me. But when he felt that he might lose me, he would apologise for everything, he would start crying and swear to not do it again, swear to treat me better, swear to be a better person, because he truly loved me.

All we did was fight, I would tell him I was unhappy, and he would tell me I was being too negative and then ask for some time alone to “think about our relationship” and just go party for a whole week while I was alone in my apartment crying every night, waiting for him to react and to finally show me he loved me and that I deserved efforts… I broke down, I started making mistakes, I started becoming this dark person, I wasn’t myself anymore and I had no control over my emotions. Always yelling or crying or falling apart. He was of no help because he accumulated the bad behaviours, the disrespect, the lies, the humiliations, but I won’t go into the details, it would take me a hundred more pages. My first huge reaction happened in the car, he once again lied to me, and what I had accumulated for so many months came out and I called him a narcissist. He stopped talking and said we had to break up, because my behaviour was unacceptable.

And here is the scheme: he destroyed my confidence, my self-esteem, he would treat me really badly or do something that disrespected me, I would react very intensely, because I was already destroyed by him, and he would make me feel guilty for it… He would tell me that my behaviour was unacceptable, he would tell his friends about my reactions and come back home and tell me that they said I was a manipulator, that I was being toxic, that he didn’t do anything bad, that I was the one overreacting and that the real problem was that I was a selfish, immature girl who lacked self-confidence. So I apologised every time for my behaviour, which I knew wasn’t my normal behaviour but I felt bad for being like this, for being this person I didn’t know, for being this person I never was before… So I would say sorry and beg him to stay with me, to see that I was a good person, that I deserved to be loved by him and that I would try to make efforts regarding my negativity and my impulsivity, that I would try to be better and not complain all the time about his bad behaviours, that I would try to understand him more, to be less jealous, to be more forgiving and less demanding…

The final step – Slowly realising the addiction. Am I the narcissist?

Many times, in the relationship I wanted to leave, I wanted to stop and ironically enough the moments when I was emotionally uncontrollable were the moments where I was the most lucid and where I saw his true nature. But it was impossible, no matter how hard I tried, to leave him. I would always forgive him, find excuses to explain his behaviour or even worse I would beg him to stay with me and apologise. This is where I realised that I became an addict… The possibility of losing him felt like the end of the world, like I would be nothing without him, like I didn’t deserve better than him. I had invested too much; I had been through too much. So, I would stay, even though I was unhappy, even though I was depressed, even though I was sacrificing my whole life for him just so that he wouldn’t break up with me. I didn’t even realise that my reactions were due to his disrespect, that my reactions were just a cry for help, because I was with someone who truly destroyed me mentally… I didn’t see it and I felt so bad for being this crazy person, I felt so much guilt for all of my negativity, for all the days I spent crying, for all the complaints I was making… I just felt so bad all the time about the person I was, always doubting myself and my reactions rather than focusing on what was the real problem: him.

This guy took everything from me: my energy, my love, my money… Everything. He took as much as he could and left me empty, left me with nothing, no self-esteem, no confidence, no pride, no dignity. Our relationship ended because I left after another fight. He told me to leave at 6am because he needed a break to think about our relationship. I was sick and I had to drive 2h30, but he didn’t give a shit… He had a boat party (more important than your girlfriend potentially dying in a car accident you know). And at that very moment, I realised that it was too much. You’re probably saying “thank God, finally she opened her eyes”, but I told you I was addicted to him. So, I broke up with him. Peacefully at first, but then I started realising everything that happened. When I started denouncing everything he did to me and realising the situation, he just flipped the story and told everyone he was the victim and that I was this “crazy hysterical girl”, that he’s scared of me and of what I’m capable of, he called me and yelled at me for 3 hours, telling me that he hated me and that I was the worst person on this planet and then blocked me on every social media. And I believed him… I started doubting myself, thinking that he might be my victim, that I might be the narcissist… And I felt awful. I wanted to apologise to him, I really felt bad, and I still do. I still feel guilty for my reactions, and I still wonder whether I’m the toxic person or not, I still don’t trust my feelings and my reactions, because of all the times he questioned them… It is still a very difficult situation but the main thing that I got out of this, is that you can think that you’re a strong person and that there are things you’ll never accept, and then still end up in a situation where you wonder every step of the way what happened and why you stayed. So, this is what it was like to be with a narcissist.

Often, when I tell this story and especially when I started telling the truth to my friends and family, who knew absolutely nothing about all of this, they were shocked. The first thing they said was: “this doesn’t sound like you, how could you ever accept all of that and how can you still doubt yourself and not believe that you’re the victim?”. Well, that’s the most difficult part… He’s very good at this, he has managed to constantly talk about my reactions to his disrespect, rather than his disrespect only … He managed to make me believe that I was this crazy person; this hypersensitive girl who was way too negative and who had to be less dramatic. So, yes, I believed him and this is how I became an addict, there was only him, he became the only interest in my life as if I had nothing except him… And that’s exactly what he wanted, because when I was prioritising my life where I was studying, he would break up every time. That’s the most perverse part: he was scared because I was too independent when he met me, so he took my independence away from me with his constant emotional blackmail and then blamed me for loving him too much and putting him too much at the centre of my life.

I was never like that before: my studies mattered too much, my career was too important, I always wanted to go far and achieve great things, I was always too impulsive and would never ever accept disrespect - even the slightest. But, for the first time in my life, it felt like I could abandon everything if he asked me to, or if it meant that in return, he would love me the way I deserved to be loved, it felt like the only thing that mattered was him and what he thought of me… And that’s what scares me the most. The worst in all of this honestly (and I’m not saying this because I’m being salty, I’m over that phase haha) is that he was of absolutely no help, he was useless to me (not that your partner should be useful to you, but you see what I mean), I didn’t need him or at least when I did, he wouldn’t be there. My studies? Oh, too difficult and too serious/boring for him. My personal problems? Meh, he had to go to a party, no time for my shit. He didn’t know how to cook, he would never clean anything, he had no hygiene and acted like a 5-year-old, we had no interesting conversations… Even stupid things like technical problems with my car? Ha, he didn’t care he was the one who told me to get out of his house and I could die it wouldn’t change anything for him. Maybe that’s why he kept me after all? Yes, I’m using the word kept because I was never a person to him, I was an object. He kept me because I was useful, I helped him with everything, I gave him confidence, I pushed him out of his comfort zone.

So, conclusion? It still hurts as fuck, I still feel like shit very often and I have absolutely no confidence left in me. I have lost a lot of weight so having to choose my clothes every day is a nightmare for me, I hate my curly hair, I hate my clothes, I hate my face and I often end up wearing black and hide in a corner so that nobody notices me… When someone does something bad, I always have to question myself and ask other people if I’m right to think it’s bad or if I’m just overreacting. I’m scared that in my next relationship the same thing happens and that I end up realising that indeed like he said, I am the crazy girl, I am the narcissist, or even worse: sometimes I wonder if I’ll find someone who treats me better than he did or that maybe he actually did treat me right and I was just being too dramatic. But you know what? That is the actual final stage: reconstruction/ forgiving myself… And fuck, it takes soooo long, but I’ll get there I know it. Life is made up of many obstacles. The reconstruction stage made me realise my toxic trait: I want to save people even if it means destroying myself and that is very dangerous. And this is how what seemed like a usual breakup at first, ended up being one of the most difficult hardships of my life, redefining everything I thought I knew…